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June 3rd 2009 11:22
pms poster
This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.'

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always . . .

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


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21 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by quatro

June 8th 2009 09:37
Thank you,
I loved this letter.
She is a true gem.
what can I say but we need more people like this lady to tell
the multinationals how to get it right.

Comment by Anonymous

June 8th 2009 18:26
I don't think it was about the pads...

Comment by Anonymous

June 15th 2009 18:16
They aren't that bad. Definitly not anything to kill yourself about. This letter fails.

Comment by Anonymous

June 16th 2009 02:05
That's okay, satire is difficult to grasp for a lot of people. ^^

Comment by Anonymous

June 16th 2009 08:31

This is beautiful.

Comment by hilulu

June 16th 2009 15:27
One size does not fit all and everyone's experience isn't so tall....i can still have a ball despite it all...but i look forward to the day that i don't have to ever have it again at all

Comment by Anonymous

June 16th 2009 17:08

Dear Mrs Aarons,

Thank you very much for your correspondence regarding our ever popular Always Maxi PadsTM. It’s not usual for me to be writing replies directly but as I am close to retiring I thought I would take a moment to reconnect with the end user on this occasion.

I’m glad you appreciate the LeakGuard CoreTM and Dri-WeaveTM features as we are very proud of these successes and have placed a lot of research and development into making sure they make your ‘Feminine Time’ a smoother hassle-free experience.

We are always pleased to hear from our customers and happy to take on any constructive criticism and helpful suggestions that are offered. Having said that, I don’t think I can honestly say that I will take any of your ideas to the board and ask them to be implemented in the next Always Maxi PadsTM product. I don’t know if you realise this Mrs Aarons but Proctor & Gamble don’t make Always Maxi PadsTM as a purely altruistic gesture. Yes, I’m afraid we are here to make money, generally as quickly and easily as possible. Much as I’d like to instigate some of your suggestions I fear that our profits would suffer too much which doesn’t make them a viable option.

I am upset that you are not happy with our Menstru-iffic SlogansTM. These have been a recent development, actually suggested by my PA of many years, Miss Amelia Mendez who thought a little light hearted fortune message would alleviate some of the stress women face at their ‘Time’. As I said we are constantly on the look-out for new and innovative ways of smoothly facilitating women’s ‘Monthly Visits’ to be as transition-friendly as possible and encourage employees to suggest ideas. Miss Mendez is very upset about your comments and at present has locked herself in the unisex toilets and is refusing to return to her duties. She is wailing uncontrollably and very forthright in stating that the reason is not because she is menstruating.

The ‘Have a Happy Period’ slogan was meant to be the first in a series of Menstru-iffic SlogansTM that we’re producing. Others will include ‘Every woman has one’, ‘Don’t worry, it doesn’t last forever’ and finally ‘Get Over It’.

In our research we have found that many of the symptoms that you have suggested go hand in hand with the ‘Monthly’s’ are in fact purely psychological, brought about and forced onto the female psyche by man hating women such as yourself, at a young age. I think you know quite well that I, along with most men, have never menstruated in my life and am not likely to. I suggest that you get off your high horse about this ‘Curse’ and just face up to the fact that we never will experience this wondrous ‘Visit’ along with other womanly boons such as child birth, multiple orgasms and shopping fetishes.

It seems that women use this time of ‘Riding the Crimson Wave’ to victimise and torture the men in their lives as if they are somehow to blame. I can show you myriads of reports and stories, we at Proctor & Gamble have compiled, of verbal attacks, physical assaults and mutilations that have occurred against men by women using ‘Taking Carrie to the Prom’ as the reason for such actions.

As I said, I will be retiring shortly, happily and with a large pension gleaned from many productive years at Proctor & Gamble so I feel I can tell you all of this now. You are the fortunate few as your letter was the one I happened to pick up from the ‘crazy man-hating bitch’ pile of letters at the office. Let me be honest; Always Maxi PadsTM are no different from any other type of feminine hygiene product of its type, we are just slightly better at adding those little personal touches which we find make the times of ‘Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System’ a more comfortable experience. I have tried over the years to feel some sort of sympathy for women who are having catamenial discharges but after many years of abuse and unwarranted associations of blame I can only say, with no pun intended, cry me a bloody river.

If you feel that our Menstru-iffic SlogansTM are not to your taste then I suggest you shop for another brand, go to a rest stop and stock up on generic one penny pads or alternatively shove a towel down your Capri pants and shut the fuck up.

I have to go now as Miss Mendez has created a small open fire of Always Maxi PadsTM in the outer office which requires my immediate attention.

Kind Regards,

James Thatcher
Brand Manager
Proctor & Gamble
Feminine Hygiene Division
“Helping you have a better euphemism”

Comment by Anonymous

June 17th 2009 01:36
oh, right, nice fake Proctor & Gamble reply. Lame!

"I have to go now as Miss Mendez has created a small open fire of Always Maxi PadsTM in the outer office which requires my immediate attention." Yeah, right.

Comment by Anonymous

June 17th 2009 02:23
Joke or no joke, seriously, why do have to use such language in your comments.
I am appaled by your response, and your reply looses all meaning due to your rather abusive remarks.

Comment by Anonymous

June 17th 2009 08:47
Fair point. To me language is language, if the words didn't exist I wouldn't use them. To hide your head in the sand and pretend these words aren't used in the world could be seen as rather naive. Some of the comments posted prior to mine (which have now been deleted) were considerably 'worse' than mine. It's up to the website what they keep and what they discard, my suggestion is don't have a comments box if you don't want comments.

To me, the original letter is obviously a joke so I posted a joke in reply.

Comment by Anonymous

June 18th 2009 07:13
Wow, that reply letter was pretty good but I'm marveled as to how you managed to bother writing so much

Comment by Anonymous

June 20th 2009 21:12
I thought both letters were very entertaining. I have absolutely no complaints because both were very creative and well written. Kudos to the both of you.

I love seeing humans be creative with their time instead of using it to monitor others.

Comment by Anonymous

June 21st 2009 17:17
"Waaa waa waaa, language this, language that. oh it's fake"
I thought they were both really funny as well. The first letter was obviously meant as a joke, even if it was really sent to the company, and as such, I could have believed the reply letter was sent as a joke as well. I admire the author of the reply letter for putting such effort into his/her comment instead of just whining like a menstruating woman

Comment by Mango

June 25th 2009 20:51
Bleh periods really do suck though... Any guy that says otherwise needs to be locked in a small room with a PMS-ing woman/teen girl. =)

The first letter was funny. ^_^ Though it's been posted a lot of times on the internet... =/

Comment by Anonymous

July 15th 2009 03:28
lol...well done...periods are not fun at all. i've thought many times that ripping out my uterus would feel a lot better than having a period...and i love how a guy is in charge of Always, lol. bravo!

Comment by Anonymous

September 4th 2009 19:18
The original letter was a dream message. I laughed so hard, I began to cry. Yet the fake reply message was not needed and distroyed the original hummor of the joke. To Mrs.Wendi Aarons, thank you. I wish more people were as honest as you.

Comment by Anonymous

September 4th 2009 19:18
The original letter was a dream message. I laughed so hard, I began to cry. Yet the fake reply message was not needed and distroyed the original hummor of the joke. To Mrs.Wendi Aarons, thank you. I wish more people were as honest as you.

Comment by Anonymous

September 8th 2009 20:52
They're both fake letters, try and look on the lighter side of life!

Comment by Anonymous

October 13th 2009 13:42
Whoa, she should be a writer or a journalist not a commentator on period napkins. I mean, it's well written...

Comment by Anonymous

October 25th 2010 03:39
why the Firefox warning? your site looks fine in Firefox, loads and scrolls twice as fast and is missing 1/2 the advertisements! looks best in Firefox IMHO!

Comment by Anonymous

April 4th 2012 02:33
So, it's agreed then? This is an argument for why women should not be in positions of power or authority, right? It clearly states that a woman on her menstrual cycle is unable to maintain her mental composure, that it is "not possible":

("...What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period?"...)

So, then women should not be bosses or president. Very well then...

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