MelissaA
Brenton
Shilpa Karhik
Are You Ready For Children
November 18th 2006 02:30
Are you really ready to have children?
Take this simple test and find out.
Once again, not actual facts, just facts of life!
The Mess Test: Simply smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy Test: Obtain a HUGE box of Lego. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Then Shopping Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the sales assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your salary to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
Take this simple test and find out.
Once again, not actual facts, just facts of life!
The Mess Test: Simply smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy Test: Obtain a HUGE box of Lego. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Then Shopping Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the sales assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your salary to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
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Comment by Milly
Travel Adventures
The questioning mind
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
If you think about it too much you'll never be.
A female's fertility declines quite rapidly after 35.
I guess you've got to really want children, that's the secret, first of all you need to learn to love yourself, if you don't go get counselling, about that FIRST.
This applies to the selfish males also.
If we're not careful this generation will be heading nowhere fast. Unless there's a sudden unexpected virus produced by nature that makes the pill ineffective and that makes a penis so slippery that it can't keep a condom on.
Wow, what an explosion of the little ones. Whoopee! Grandparents to be rejoice.! Hallelujah!
katyzzz .....available on Ms Paint Art.
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
Allow me to be more local and un-bash the male.
These were so funny (laughed so much at 'be cheerful'), especially the octupus one; my girls were exactly like that, of course i'd have to catch them first, fast little critters.
I think thinking about this question a lot is a good thing; some people don't think about it much at all; rush right in and find themselves romanticised by the whole idea of a rocking chair and cooing baby; that dream pops very quickly, if realised at all.
I don't really have any advise for having children or not, except to say, everybody's experience and children will be different, but certainly, tolerance is a huge issue, for women and men alike.
Very much enjoyed your lighthearted look at the facts of life, as seen through the MelissaA lens.
actually i do have some advice; if you do decide to have bloodloves, please don't use disposable nappies, they have become an el humungo problem..
~Lily
Comment by Deorre
Stress Alive
Man Lessons
Comment by kellymommy
I especially like the two goats in the store. I have two small boys and wwhile the youngest
doesn't walk yet, his hands are quick and the older one is everywhere. Parenting is definitely not
for the weak hearted (or stomach for that matter)!
Thanks for the laugh!
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Hilarious. I've got two young children and I could relate to just about every single item on your list.
I also loved the goats - I go shopping with two little goats every time. And I can definitely relate to the lego on the floor one. I don't know how many times I've tripped over, stepped on or stubbed my toe on one of my children's toys in the middle of the night.
Why is it that children always leave those little hard plastic toys on the floor at night, step on those and even a grown man would cry. Teddy bears always get put away.
Thanks for sharing.
A.H.
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Having children is definitely an eye opener, but it's seeing the funny side of it all that can keep you going some days.
It can help to keep in mind that pretty much most kids are the same, especially at the times when those 'munching little goats' are trying to hoe into the produce at the supermarket, as my children will certainly demonstrate when the first thing they see walking into the shop is bananas, and with the price of bananas in Australia at the moment......!
I've also found if you step on a toy in the middle of the night that isn't made of something hard and plastic, it usually is still booby-trapped somehow - take for instance a toy cockatoo we have - I've stepped on him a number of times in the dark of the night, right next to the bed of a child who has been fighting sleep for hours, only to have the cockatoo set off with a loud repetive squawk!
Happy parenting all!
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Grapes ... my children steal grapes.
A.H.
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Greattt!!!! this test turns up 15 years after I've had them... surre!
Too late now, luckily I don't have to wash down the walls much anymore and wearing bean bags has gone waaaaaayyyy out of style for me now, thank God! Apologies to any would-be mum's reading this... my advise... truly....?
*scroll down for answer*
*giggling*
It's the best experience you can have in life...![looking back on it]
truly,
Lilla...
ps Peanut buitter makes me twitch when I see it...to this day...no joke...*lol*
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Just what is it your kids did with the peanut butter that was so dreadful that the mere appearance of peanut butter now affects your sanity!
Various scenarios are now flooding through my mind, you'd better tell me quickly! ; )
Comment by Adrienne
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
The Embarassment Test - Take a child to the supermarket, pick the longest queue and practice talking your way out of your child's offensive comments like :- hey mum, why is that person fat? hey mum, what are those spots on that person's face? hey mum, that person smells :-0
Comment by Sarah White
coolgirlsar to the rescue
One Too Many Chocolate Bars
You need the Equipment Test too, you'd never think it would be so difficult to figure out how to put down a pushchair to get on the bus and I didn't even attempt those breast pump things!
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
And another Orble blogger had a fantastic story about something her son said to an older lady - I'll see if I can find it again and post a link to it for you to see - that one was unmissable!
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Poor thing, she had taken her nieces out for a while and couldn't get the stroller to fold or fit in the car.
In fact I think it took us about 20 minutes of playing with the darned thing to get it down, and you know what! We still had trouble fitting it into the car!
Comment by Sarah White
coolgirlsar to the rescue
One Too Many Chocolate Bars
Once when my parents were having my son for a day and evening I took the pushchair (one of the travel system things) round for them. Spent five minutes explaining and showing my Mum how to use it and she just turned round and said, "I don't think I'll take him out, that's too confusing to use." LOL!
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Comment by Bhumika
Political Minds