- Henry Youngman
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying 'toys not included'.
- Bernard Manning
- Johnny Carson
"Once again we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit."
"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?
- Bart Simpson
"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?"
- Tom Armstrong
"You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger."
- Robert Paul
"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."
- Victor Borge